


A Truth Universally Acknowledged

by facetiousfutz



Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, Craig's Dad is Supportive, Domestic Fluff, Hashtag FuckYou, Homework, I'm Sorry if You're a Fan of Jane Austen, M/M, Middle School, actually i'm not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 15:39:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12535192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facetiousfutz/pseuds/facetiousfutz
Summary: After getting dressed and showering, Craig hopped on Facebook Live, as he did most mornings. “Hey. How’s this for a summary of Pride and Prejudice? It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Craig in possession of a good Tweek, must be so happy. I hope my smitten v-log has made you all throw up in your mouths a little. May you all suck my dick. Hashtag FuckYou. Hashtag JaneAustenSucks.”





	A Truth Universally Acknowledged

If you ask Craig how many ways his life has changed since he started dating Tweek, he’ll give you the finger, because nobody has time to sift through all of that. There are keypoints worth mentioning, though. Craig was becoming more aware of the effects his words had on others. He was still a dick to most people, but that was strictly for his amusement. The power of his words to inspire action and creativity in his anxious little boyfriend was uncanny, though. Tweek was a pretty talented guy once he was able to focus, and Craig had no idea he could ever be an inspiration to anyone. It was kind of neat. 

There was also the matter of his parents. Craig always had a pretty good relationship with them overall. Always had. His mom wasn’t a crack whore like Cartman’s mom, or a bitch like Kyle’s mom. His dad wasn’t the town drunk like Kenny’s dad, or Stan’s dad, or Clyde’s dad, or...

Anyway. Craig reckoned he had it pretty good in terms of parents. They only ever grounded him if his grades were low. He used to pull straight C’s like a goddamn champion, as that was the maximum fuck he was once capable of giving. Since he’d settled into his relationship with Tweek, some of those C’s were turning into B’s, and like one A- in math that one time. Craig was usually indifferent toward math, but sometimes he cared just enough to see if he could pull off another A-. So far he hadn’t met with much success, but that’s because math was starting to have letters and functions and shit at this point in his academic career. He just got good at long division and basic geometry, damn it! 

That was nothing compared to Tweek, though. Tweek’s grades improved tremendously over the years. D’s becoming A’s, B’s staying B’s, but now the B’s are accompanied A’s rather than C’s and D’s. Mr. Tweak was so proud that he drove all around Denver one afternoon just to buy them both a Nintendo Switch. They played a lot of Mario Odyssey together after school. 

Gosh. Their Nintendo Switch. Heck, they shared a lot of things. What used to be Craig’s guinea pig has been Craig and Tweek’s guinea pig for the past four years now. What used to be Craig’s laptop has become Craig and Tweek’s laptop, which they use to watch Let’s Plays on youtube, and sometimes Netflix. Tweek always fell asleep during movies. Craig didn’t mind. Tweek had to sleep at least sometimes. 

Speaking of sleep, Craig tended to go to bed earlier than most people. With resources like On Demand and the Internet, he didn’t need to stay up until eleven to catch all his programs. He usually zonked out about eight o’clock. He was preparing himself each night now. Tweek didn’t always come over at three in the morning in various states of caffeine-induced twitching, but when he did, Craig had already gotten enough sleep to entertain his favorite visitor properly.

Like clockwork, Craig Tucker’s mind switched on the moment he heard the spare key slide into the lock downstairs. He sat up in bed, switched on his bedside lamp, and reached for his homework. 

Tweek strolled into his room without a care in the world. Well, not a care about that anyway. He’d had a billion other things to be worried about, as usual. 

“Craig? Did you read that book?”

“What book?” 

“Ngeh! That book we have to do for Ms. Berry’s class? P-Pride and Prejudice!” 

“Not yet,” said Craig, pulling out his age worn copy provided to them by their low budget middle school. Craig was fairly certain some of the pages were glued together with old boogers. 

“Oh god,” said Tweek, shivering. “I-I tried to read it! For the past four hours, dude. I would read like ten pages, and have to go back and read them again because I couldn’t tell what the hell was going on, or who was talking. Sometimes I’d zone out thinking about Terence and Phillip. Season 21 is really good. It’s like... it’s like they got their spark back, you know?"

“Uh huh,” said Craig.

“Gah! Sorry, I’m rambling. I-I can’t read this by myself. Too much pressure!” 

“Calm down, Tweek. We’ll read it together.” Craig lifted his comforter, inviting Tweek to slide in next to him. While the two of them got comfortable, Craig took the book out and started reading it out loud. Despite his monotone and pronounced nasal congestion, Tweek loved the sound of Craig’s voice more than anything. 

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife...

“I can already tell that this is going to suck.” 

Tweek snorted and chuckled a bit, leaning his chin on Craig’s bony shoulder. 

““My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?” Mr. Bennet replied that he had not. “But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.” Mr. Bennet made no answer. “Do you not want to know who has taken it?” cried his wife impatiently.

“No, I don’t want to know. I was just heading out with Mrs. Long’s husband. They say Mr. Long really lives up to his name. I must witness this for myself, not that I’m gay or anything. Oh wait, yes I am.”” 

“Oh, god. You’re so goddamn stupid,” said Tweek, laughing some more. Craig smiled, his voice growing more facetious through the passage of words and pages. 

He ran out of steam by the end of Chapter 1, though.

“Ugh, how many chapters are there?” 

He saw that there were 61, so he threw the book across the room and flipped it off. 

“Agh! Craig! We’re supposed to read up to Chapter 12 for today. You know how strict Ms. Berry is.” 

“Ms. Berry can eat my ass,” said Craig, booting up his laptop. “With the incredible power of no fucks given, I, Super Craig, will locate the Spark Notes on this dry and nauseating chick lit and save us a lot of headache.” 

“Ah! No! Craig, we can’t. She told us we couldn’t use Spark Notes. She said she can totally tell if we do!” 

“Every teacher says that, babe,” said Craig, finding a youtube summary of Pride and Prejudice. “They’re lying. They’re underpaid and don’t actually give a fuck, as long as you use there, their, and they’re correctly.” 

“Or your and you’re...” said Tweek, carefully considering Craig’s words. “But like... we’re still using someone else’s interpretation of the literature. We might get nailed for plagiarism, and then have to repeat the eighth grade and graduate high school when we’re twenty. Oh god!” 

“That won’t happen,” said Craig. “Just watch the youtube video. It’ll all make sense.” 

They started watching the summary on youtube. Craig groaned and rolled his eyes a lot, and Tweek shushed him, actually trying to absorb the information. About four minutes in Tweek paused the video and said, “I can’t! I have to read the book. I don’t feel right about this.” 

“Dude, I’m not reading anymore of that book,” said Craig. 

“I’m not asking you to! Can’t I just... argh.” 

“What?” 

“Let me see the laptop.” 

Craig plopped the computer onto Tweek’s lap, and Tweek did a search for the Pride and Prejudice audiobook. 

“If I increase the speed of the video 1.5 times, I can get through Chapter 12 in like 45 minutes.”

“Do you actually like this book?” said Craig. 

“No! I mean, I don’t know. I want to read it and have my own opinion about it, OK?” 

“Whatever, dude. I don’t care. As long as I don’t have to listen to it.” 

Craig handed Tweek his good pair of headphones and pulled out his math homework. 

While Tweek was listening to the audio book, he booted up Bejeweled 3 and played while half-absorbing the book he was painfully forced to endure. Craig had thirteen problems to do, and struggled with like eight of them, so he took out his phone and looked that shit up on youtube. Before dawn broke, he would have a better understanding of how to FOIL and factor goddamn functions. 

It was an oddly productive morning, actually. 

Tweek wasn’t so much absorbed in the world of Pride and Prejudice as he was absorbed in his game of Bejeweled. Three hours went by like twenty minutes, and Tweek was just about on Chapter 31 when Craig’s dad opened the door and startled the shit out of him. 

“Oh,” said Thomas. “Hello Tweek.” 

“Oh god, what time is it?” said Tweek, shutting the laptop without closing down any of the running applications. Craig would do that for him before they left for school. 

“Mom’s making French toast and coffee. Why don’t you go on downstairs, Tweek?” 

“O-OK,” said Tweek. He and Craig had to be the only fourteen year old kids in this entire town not to get their asses kicked by the adults for being found in bed with the person they’re dating. Because of this, he learned to abide by any request made by Craig’s parents without question. He hated to impose. 

As Tweek headed downstairs, Thomas Tucker took a seat at the foot of his son’s bed just as Craig was putting away his homework. 

“Are you boys... you know?” 

“Dad,” said Craig, groaning. “We were just doing homework. Tweek always freaks out when Ms. Berry assigns us chick crap. She’s a self-proclaimed feminazi, you know.” 

“Right, but as your dad, it’s my job to remind you that while the two of you do ‘homework,’ you need to use protection, OK?” 

Craig glared at his dad, refusing to glorify that with an answer. 

“Good. I’m glad we have an understanding, champ.” Thomas gave his son a pat on the shoulder, then headed back downstairs. 

“Good job, Craig. Congratulations on bothering to do your homework, Craig,” Craig muttered to himself, but then he cracked a smirk. None of the other guys had the kind of freedom he and Tweek did. It was kinda nice to know that they could straight up fuck and not get in trouble, but the thought of his parents knowing and listening grossed him out, so he had yet to attempt anything. There wasn’t any hurry, though. They had all of high school to fool around if they decided to, but they hadn’t decided to yet, and Craig didn’t particularly care. Jerking off was easier anyway. 

After getting dressed and showering, Craig hopped on Facebook Live, as he did most mornings. “Hey. How’s this for a summary of Pride and Prejudice? It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Craig in possession of a good Tweek, must be so happy. I hope my smitten v-log has made you all throw up in your mouths a little. May you all suck my dick. Hashtag FuckYou. Hashtag JaneAustenSucks.” 

“Your breakfast is getting cold, Craig,” said Mrs. Tucker from the kitchen. 

“Coming mom,” said Craig. He flipped off his phone, turned off Facebook Live, and headed downstairs. His sister called him a butt pirate, and he called her a cum guzzling ho bag. Their mom yelled at both of them. Tweek smiled as he finished his second mug of coffee.

The End


End file.
